Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Onward Christian... Penguins?

Read these for context:
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/09/13/science/13peng.html?ex=1126756800&en=1a53375e704cbea9&ei=5070- Turns out a bunch of Christian right-wing groups have co-opted "March of the Penguins" as the silver screen Word of God.

http://lionsofgod.com/- this scary church (from my home state, of course) has organized group trips to see the film, urging members to download a "viewing packet" and, while in the theater viewing the film:
"use a notebook, flashlight and pen to write down what God speaks to you as He speaks it to you (in other words, please don't wait until the end of the film to write things down)"

Unfortunately, I saw the film on Saturday, before I knew about the church's viewing packet. What follows is a literary rendition of what I might have written had I been blessed with the packet and had truly contemplated God's work while viewing the film:

1. (Opening sequence) Wow, there are a lot of French names in the credits. Is this a FRENCH film? Why would God speak to us through the French? I thought God HATED the French! I mean, George Bush does, right?

2. (5min into film) Morgan Freeman certainly sounds like God. But... wait a minute... he just said the penguins had been in the South Pole for MILLIONS of years. I thought God created the Earth, like, 6,000 years ago. Is Morgan wrong- or is GOD wrong?

3. (15min) These penguins are beautiful illustrations of God's grace. Definitely.

4. (22min) This movie totally debunks the evolutionists. Stupid evolutionists. It's so obvious that some unseen hand created these penguins. But... wait... why would God make these poor birds live in Antarctica? And trudge back and forth from their breeding ground to the ocean at 70 miles a go, like, 4 times? Why not give them a little pouch where they could store food? Or some sort of camel-like hump? Does God like camels better than penguins? I'm confused.

5. (23min) The man behind me totally just took God's name in vain. He told me to "shut off the G** D*** flashlight" or he'd "f*** me up." Some people just don't get the importance of being in communion with God at all times. Stupid man. He must be a Lutheran.

6. (40min) The mother and father penguins' devotion to each other is surely evidence that God wants us to be monogamous. But... wait... Morgan Freeman just said that the mom and dad penguins desert each other after one mating season! They're not monogamous- they find a new mate every year! Wow! Is that what our church leaders mean when they tell us to be monogamous? It's so easy! I love the church!

7. (45min) Sad- an old male penguin just succumbed to the snow and wind. And none of the other penguins helped him. He must have been the poor black penguin.

8. (48min) Oh my goodness! The little baby penguins are sooooo cute! God will definitely keep all of the little cutie patootie baby penguins safe and.... oh wait... no! A little baby penguin froze to death! How could God let that happen? It must be the French people's fault.

9. (48.5min) The man behind me kicked the back of my chair and told me to "shut the f*** up." Apparently I was emoting rather loudly about the baby penguin. He's threatened to go get the manager.

10. (1.5hr) God's been saying a lot to me, but I'm afraid the guy behind me will "f*** my s*** up" if I turn on the flashlight again. By the way, that evil seal was obviously the work of Satan. Only Satan would create such a menacing and... blubbery monster. Get behind me, Satan.

11. (closing credits) That was fantastic. I've learned so much about God's plan for me in the world. Let's see- God wants me to be monogamous for at least a year at a time. He wants me to kidnap another baby if my baby dies of exposure to harsh elements. He wants me to avoid seals... or Satan... or black people... or the French. I'm a little confused about His message there. But at ANY rate, He DEFINITELY wants me to avoid the Lutherans. Or at least not sit in front of one the next time our church does one of these "viewing packet" things. I've learned so much. Thanks, God. Thanks, church.
And thanks, penguins.


At 5:23 PM, Anonymous Steph said...


At 5:30 PM, Blogger Noisette said...

Tee hee. Hey you. Thanks.

At 5:48 AM, Blogger St. Dickeybird said...

That's it. I'm stealing this post and writing my own religion around it.
Culte De Penguin Francais.

At 6:40 PM, Blogger Lizzie said...

haha! that's hilarious!

I think you must have missed one important message though. Surely there was a sign from God that homosexuality is unnatural and against His divine will? I assume there wasn't a scene with two boy penguins waddling off together behind a snow drift? Perhaps you should see the film again to make sure you fully comprehend God's will (as interpreted by penguins).

At 6:54 PM, Blogger Noisette said...

Hmmm... I don't know- those male penguins were huddling AWFULLY close together during that snow drift- supposedly to "keep warm," but we all know what that means...

At 11:50 AM, Anonymous seamus said...

Also, these penguins like Iraqi Shi'ite muslims but hate Iranian Shi'ite muslims and Iraqi Sunnis. Chilly Willy was also a member of the John Birch Society in the mid-'70s.

At 10:49 AM, Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

Friggin' Lutherans . . . can't decide if they want to copy Catholics or Episcapalions.

At 2:01 PM, Blogger Gareth said...

Here in the UK the adoption of this film as a totem of Christian Values has caused a great deal of mirth. Glad to see that the bizare views of this sect has rasied eyebrows in the States too.


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